Tulia Gonzalez Posts

November 27 / Diary

I could have published the photos of Bangkok and the trip to Thailand that I never planned, selfies in the Kingdom of Siam, the golden, the flowers, and the castles of dragons.

I could have published that Holbox trip in June, when my uncle and the puppies in the heat, Luz and me fighting the mosquitoes but pretending a perfect picture with the turquoise blue behind. The horizon and the sun making you feel that everything here is perfect, that there are no mosquitoes, no allergies, nor invasive tourists in this “paradise”.

I could have shown the photos of Puerto Vallarta in March, the pretty cats, the boardwalk and the entire apartment with its air conditioning; here also the  photos would be retouched in Photoshop, would gladden the view with a better exposure and increased blues and greens, erase that plastic bottle in the sand, enhance the sharpness and brightness, and the contrast too.

I could tell you that we sailed, that we went to San Francisco to see Captain Tom, but he likes the publications at the moment, we did not escape from that. San Diego: at home almost every day because of the heat, the work, and the dogs.

And the sailboats? white, clean and perfect while I cook in the middle of the waves wanted to vomit the pesto with mushrooms that I just have dined. Using the motor instead of sails, and also hating to cook and do the dishes for the whole crew because happens to me to be a woman in the middle of men and even up here sometimes the ages and the genders are imposed.

But the photos! haaa those are perfect, the Sea of Cortez always blue, the heat and the bathing suits premiere, the sailboats after all always have to be poetic, right?  What am I missing? Valle de Bravo, the progress of the house with its four walls, the growth of the cats, the acceptance to the postgraduate course in Australia, the visits to Guanajuato, the airports, and the goats, again the goats.

It seems that Facebook was left behind, and the nights are still cold.

 

Photo: at my grandmother’s ranch.

Note: This and most of the post are originally written in Spanish.

January 17 / Poetry

Unbearable will to start and end
As if I could ever reach that feeling of getting done
As if I could ever escape the feeling of missing something
Did I forget to close the door?
Did I forget to turn off the lights? Or the stove?

Rolling waves, years that go by,
wishing we could escape from their passing by
But the vapour of the clouds always comes back to the forms of the earth, and you cry as if they could cry wishing to stay, wishing to escape from the cycle of life.

And the clocks are rolling in the back, and you wish to have had escaped,
but you are the vapour of clouds, falling down at the end.
Does the ice complain to be frozen? Does the river complain to be always running?
As the river comes to the sea, as the sea raises to the clouds…
Why do I want to remain on the high?
Wishing to escape from the mountain fall
Even, I wonder why?

There is something missing
Have you ever had that feeling?
Like a puzzle piece missing
No, I’m not talking of sadness, loneliness, or homesickness,
I´m talking of an awareness of had forgotten something, somewhere, somebody.
Did I forget to close the door? Which door? Or the stove?

Trying to understand, I end realizing it’s not possible for my mind.
It’s just a little flame that jumps from one side to other within my chest, and talks aloud saying something like:
I´m here, is this what is it to be alive?

Photo: Punta Cometa, Mazunte. Oaxaca, México 2015.

July 11 / Life

Are you sailing or flying back?

The fact that this question can even be made, it means that there are options.
-Flying, this time I’m flying.

I bought an airplane ticket that will take me back to Mexico in thirty-something hours by plane, but the journey to come here took me almost a year on a sailboat. The world can be a bizarre place.

Yesterday I dreamt that I finally left the island, that L was taking me to the airport, that my passport was expired, and I didn’t know if Mexico would recognize me.
I’ve changed so much. I don’t even remember how tacos taste.
That’s why I bought a return ticket because one day I said: “my grandmother’s food” but I no longer knew what I was talking about; seems that I don’t remember anymore, that I am rather inventing, and this can be scary.

I left behind my home, friends, my brother while he was still a kid , my nephew when he still didn’t know how to speak, my dogs when they were not yet old, my cousin when she was single, my grandfather when he still lived. I mean, children grow, the older get older, the food gets eaten without me, my friends are getting drunk, and my girlfriends are marrying and having weddings with an empty seat that has my name.

These are the big and small sacrifices for the one who goes away and makes small families everywhere. We have houses and dogs, and the routines of the day, even if for others this place is far and unknown, to me is close and familiar. Here I have a small family, the wind brought me to New Zealand and I have woven a life.

I telephoned my grandmother, she was so happy, we laugh.
Grandma, I said, I’m calling on Skype,
(Although she does not know what Skype is)
She tells me: Hija, every day I think of you,
and I think: many kilometers behind the sea
half a turn of Earth separates us
but I call you and you still say:
Hija! every day I think of you.

Then I got hungry and bought a flight ticket back.

Photo: Halfway between Mexico and New Zealand 2013, Tom took that GPS screenshot, perhaps in Bora Bora or Mopelia, or at one of those invisible islands.

Note: This and most of the post are originally written in Spanish.