Month: July 2014

{Day 13 of 30}

Will I remember this place?  The mountains? Shall I look around  wondering for the pine forests … the sheep, visits to the river? So far, the only place I feel sometimes nostalgia is for the Marquesas Islands, Nuku Hiva… if I strongly close my eyes and remember when we being welcome from the open sea. And it’s enjoyable, this nostalgia, to felt it so far…

“Remember” from Latin re-cordis:   through the heart again.

But Taumarunui is different. A village that has come out of the fog to give a welcome hug me for months and I know it will be lost back in the fog. Maybe that’s why I’ve taken so many pictures, vain subconscious attempt to keep something knowing it is a place that belongs among the clouds. I am grateful for my complete hibernation. It’s the perfect time to leave.

I feel so palpable the transience of places, situations, people and also 6 weeks seems such a life full of details, so full of different. Shedding sheep, drawings fog between the houses, different walks beside the same river, bike or ride the mountains alone or with company. No wonder how this time has passed. I feel part while I see from outside – all temporary… everything running on… When I arrived?, I was doing before this? Where was I? And then the feeling of the instant that encloses all (-or that forgets all). As knowing myself standing right here and be in constant motion … like the stream, the stream-time. And the inner understanding that:

Present is eternal.

 

And certainly I do not feel free … forgiven … saved … sure … not if I now that feeling of hang in the balance, of knowing that there is only a very slight line for something to go out of place in the universe, of better say: to fit differently. –  It is so thin the small change in perception and yet it changes everything. Maybe it’s this little tension, of knowing that in a thin inner line makes me feel throbbing and present.

Today I spent a whole day listening to talk C and P about their trip. Sometimes with genuine care, other joking, others only present with a blank mind (not needed anyway response) at the end of the night the point where I wonder if I am doing some effort to pay attention or not to put it? As the TV: I have the inability to watch it.  The TV just does not capture my attention, I see into a meditative state but I’m not seeing more than a reference point in the room.

I’m feeling much love for everyone, Greame, the home owners, Lynn, Robin, Mark, and Kiko the cat … knowing me into them… knowing they show me a part of “me.” One type of love rather neutral.

Last day in Taumarunui I tell myself…

Wash bedding
Shaking subtracted silhouettes
Remove odors of love from the pillows
Ignite memories and diaries
Pack with special care not to get ghosts
Make a deal with the witness cat
Watering plants with fluids leftovers
The last evening in the bath – boiling water
Collect kiwis for friends in Auckland
Say goodbye to my loved sheep
And my rubber boots…
And my work gloves that I will never use again…
Because I am done with being farmer: it’s time to city.
I left a warm and inhabited house.
The owners will never know the reasons for the sudden urge
Of wanting to make out in front of the fire
On the carpet that one day turned into camping, and war and love zone.
Shhh…
Taumarunui the place I’ve lived longer in NZ. Village of fog, so hidden from everything else … populated by a thousand old people playing bingo on Wednesdays and loving walking as much as ice cream and tea.
I leave spoiled, good eaten, and full of kisses.
Another place where I temporarily belong.

What Desafío Creativo is?

Is a Dynamic  that started in Caminomundos.  The challenge is to do some creative work for 30 consecutive days, can be posts, poems, pictures, etc. Do you want to participate?

HERE: This is a creative writing experiment where I’m mixing my dairies. Sometimes I write from the present or sometimes I just post my old dairy that I wrote when I live aboard a sailboat for one year.

*From Mexico to New Zealand aboard a sailboat. Now from ashore I transcribe the diaries of one year living on the sea.

17.Feb.2013
La Cruz de Huanacaxtle, Nayarit. Mexico.

Between ships and land shores, ports and docks, between going or staying… wandering. Among all the chaos of coincidences and new people, I met a man named Tom, who starts with T as Tulia, as Tita, Tus, and Tila back home in my parents’ house. Among he saying:  I will cross the Pacific and I am seeking for crew.  Paul’s idea about advertise myself on the radio gave result and I was talking with the captain of the small yellow sailboat (But that does not matter too much right now… I just met him once and who knows if I will see him ever again).  Among all this happenings… I got a little message from S yesterday: “heart … I think of you … I want to see you” a couple of lines to me sounded as poetry. It was one of those light evenings at  Aly’s home with the guys  in search of sailboats. Next day I woke up with a burning heart, inspirational, in love. I know we have different rhythms and cycles, and only I’m curious if one day we will coincide and live something more…

***

18.Feb.2013

The first time I saw Tom was in the Marina, in Paul’s boat.  He answered my call on the radio, another man came also but did not give me any good impression, so I refused.  Then Tom came, we talked about his boat and I did not understand a lot of terms (for that I asked Paul to help me with the interview.) I assume that there are no suicidal people around here and if someone wants to cross an ocean he’ll have complete confidence in himself and in his boat. The only thing I really care about is the person and if I feel comfortable with (as I saw that live on someone’s boat is about sharing and living together before everything else).

The first thing I said above all was:  I do not seek any relationship, or any chance of this, or the idea of ​something, anything. Well, I will not go in the middle of the ocean having in mind if I misinterpret something or if I feel strange. (And I said this, as if really would  embark on this trip) Surprised and laughing  Tom said he was more than agree since he was not looking for anything neither (Just I have to be clear). He gave me good impression, good vibes, neutral and somehow peaceful. Paul found him nice as well. We agree in going to sail a race for the day and we’ll see. I telephoned my mother to gently starting putting out the idea of ​​her daughter going away to a remote island.

***

19.Feb.2013

I went sailing with Tom and Linda. This is happening … is happening as things that have happened to me so far; passing without me notice them. And when they are already happening I turn to see: I’m already here, I’m going … I’m already doing it.  So I am impressed, and even a little scary, because then, gently, smoothly, without efforts, almost inadvertently, things are fitting on their place to go to the Pacific, in two weeks, three weeks, French Polynesia. OMG.

In the end I’m realizing that there is no place to go. Now I am and have always been in the place or situation to be full, be happy. Paradise is always where I am now, no matter where is this … I seek nothing, I have fun, I like to put myself in situations that move me in, put myself on the edge and is where I can discover-me(whatever that means). I know that maybe I do not need to do all this but it is a way of… seeing the world … see the world inside me.

S wrote me. I was very happy, yesterday and this morning I could just be still thinking about her and what she wrote. I was surprised … Which reminds me that lately my name gives me a different feeling than before, Tulia, sound sometimes foreign, sometimes gives me a loving feeling, or it feels like a past life, or like someone else name, someone who I know well. 

***

20.Feb.2013

This is happening. Really. Tom, Linda and I went to Octopus Garden where Aly works and what a surprise! Aly came sailing from San Francisco but I just found that she almost came down with Tom as a crew, so they knew each other already. Coincidences and good signs. Then at the end of dinner, we ordered a wine and offer a toast.
So, we are going? /  Tom said.
Yes, we are going. I answered.

I do not know what causes me more excitement: the fact that I’m already making plans to move to the boat or to know that S loves me.

I have written her:

…In the end … who cares? If now I feel intensely. I love you in a very free way, without need, without agendas, without wishing that things were different, not “havings”. For me it does not matter, after all relationships are always changing. Like friendship, brotherhood, passion, absence, or romance… that’s not so important.

There is no place to arrive, or no name to lose


What Desafío Creativo is?

Is a Dynamic  that started in Caminomundos.  The challenge is to do some creative work for 30 consecutive days, can be posts, poems, pictures, etc. Do you want to participate?

HERE: This is a creative writing experiment where I’m mixing my dairies. Sometimes I write from the present or sometimes I just post my old dairy that I wrote when I live aboard a sailboat for one year.

{Day 11 of 30}

There are days like this one, when I said -I slept too much. I opened and closed my eyes in the morning … feeling a sensation of have missed something that I do not know. It is winter. It rained all week, a thin, continuous pouring rain. But this feeling of sluggishness may not have to do with it…

And on days like this when the direction of an internal map is missing (and yet does not mean being lost) that feeling instantly takes me by surprise.  As who inspects a foreign object for the first time by rotating it with the hands in front of your eyes, look inside, outside, from below, from behind, flipping it … and just does not understand its true utility …  I sometimes see  man’s life like that – I mean, my life-.

Then I turn the little figurine to find somewhere to put it… on the shelf maybe…. or perhaps it has some purpose unknown to me, some different use…. And with my  fingers I draw the shapes and lines;  and with my mind I intend to imagine its possible  uses or appearance … my life. Then I say I slept too much today, with a feeling I lacked something and I realize that is not mine … that I’m riding clouds between dreams and my pink-flowered sheets in a girl’s – stranger- room. I’m pretending be misplaced (as if I was placed!) and then I see that standing up in the same point in the world I could feel myself both:  lost or founded. So I’m waking up, as I am aware of this. I mean I am opening the eyes behind my opened eyes.

Cloud rider – While riding my fluffy cloud of thoughts … I think there is something I should do, something I am missing… then –suddenly – I jump out of bed naked. And everything is like a faint trail … sometimes … a feeling that fades with coffee and toast.  I stop riding the could-  How I know?

Because space
for  feeling the space.

I remember the conversation with my friends from the sailboat Muktuk. An Austrian family with two children aged 8 and 11 years who lived in Alaska on their sailboat. They said they had to go breaking the ice to move, but there is a problem: Stuck in the ice, stopped boat, and the GPS does not work … you know, because the GPS tells you which direction to go only when moving. (When stopped it marks the location but not the direction). So you need to get going, instinctively give the first step and when there is motion the GPS is able to mark the precise coordinates and indicate the direction. This first movement you may have given it in the opposite direction or falling of course … but you know the direction now and recover …  the GPS is working…. But if you stand still … it never set the direction (and you can even get stuck and frozen).

The movement itself is the direction.

Kaikoura, NZ.
Kaikoura, NZ.

What Desafío Creativo is?

Is a Dynamic  that started in Caminomundos.  The challenge is to do some creative work for 30 consecutive days, can be posts, poems, pictures, etc. Do you want to participate?

HERE: This is a creative writing experiment where I’m mixing my dairies. Sometimes I write from the present or sometimes I just post my old dairy that I wrote when I live aboard a sailboat for one year.