Category: Diary

May 14 / Diary

Sailboats are leaving.  Sailboats are coming back from under the stones. Sailors showing off like ants after winter… coming out from the wooden shells. The pier vibrates with a electric tension… they are getting ready. 

The air says something is going to happen,
hold your breath
before jump again into the water
deep
close open you eyes
the instant just before…

Raising sails, is time to spread four-leave clovers, smell the wind, inspect the clouds, ask to the fish… wait for the sign of the bird. Palm trees are vanishing under the waves.  

It’s time to go. Are you coming?
Como aboard, release the bow line, put your suit, and  cover yourself with salt. 

I just decline an invitation to go to Fiji  as crew on a sailboat (an Altimar, Catamaran). Sailors are showing up from under the less expected places in New Zealand.  I’ve running into them all the week along in very random ways: they are calling, emailing after months without notice… and even in the supermarket of this little town I am living now. 

A surprising e-mail  from someone that knows someone that knows me (not surprising on the sailing scene though):  “We are anchored in a side of  Miss Goodnight and we need crew to wo Fiji”. – I said No.

I go to the supermarket : The Hungarian couple recognize me, they anchored their boat  further north … what a surprise! getting ready for Vanuatu..

Tom is going to New Caledonia, my friend Zuleika on her pretty boat says Vanuatu. Ian says I go till Japan… Miss Goodnigth goes to Tonga, Queen Margarit to Fiji… an others already left to Alaska. 

I will wave them from the dock and trough them flowers. I will write about boats, and keep their adventures from here.  Maybe I catch up with them later, may not. And actually I am happy for that. To not know exactly when I will be back aboard, and also know that sailboats will be always there. 

Because I don’t want to frozen in any stage of my life. To locked up in any concept of myself, I can’t say “I’m only this, and put a definition. 

I am not a traveler: I just have traveled.
I am not only a nurse: I studied nursing as a profession.
I am not only a sailor: I just have sailed.

There is openness to say this has been part of my life but I don’t identify with any of the characters (Yet the “seeker” is the most subtle). I enjoy them all, I can embrace them or just walk away from them. 

I’ll release your line bowls my friends, this time from the dock.  For me is not season just yet. Life as giving me a house on the mountains where I’ll see pass the winter between fog and river. I’ll fish and count sheep for sleep in the cold while everybody is running away to the warm islands. This is what is expressed in this moment and I also embrace it with joy… I’ll figure out later how to warm up my feet.

…One ship drives east and another west
with the self same winds that blow.
‘Tis the set of the sails and not the gales
which decides the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the ways of fate
as we wander along through life
‘Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal
and not the calm or strife.
…*Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Sailing west. Bora Bora
Sailing west. Bora Bora, French Polynesia

What Desafío Sweet is?

Is a Creativity Dynamic that started in Caminomundos.  The challenge is to write one Blog post for 16 continuous days with an objective beyond the literature itself.

HERE:

16 Posts/ personal essays for… just for do it.
16 Actions to promote or kick-start a project of research consulting.
2 Languages
One “let’s see what happen”

May 12 / Diary

It dawned  warm. The days would be the same from the window but what is expressed seems so different from yesterday. The things that looks different are the little ones.  Today the clouds are perfectly rounded. Today Misha was not hungry, he waited outside looking at the tiny particles floating in a sunbeam coming through the branches.

It was Mother’s Day. I have to confess that the family is something that yes, that is always where I go.  I speak about my mother, my grandmother,  their food, my nephew and I have a strange mania  to find a similarity between people and some relative. Is something I don’t need to understand. Once I thought it was something heavy, that hold me back,  that I must somehow transcend to be lighter. Today I see that when I’m in My Center, everything is light, even the  opinions of the family.

Yesterday I spoke with my grandmother. Today my parents. I’ll admit there was a moment that make me noise  when my grandmother tells me: Come back hija, are you so far away, I can help you … why don’t you not put a little coffee shop in Guanajuato? you make your home here on the hill, you get your stuff done and you stop and think about traveling.

She loves me. I don’t know what to say… I say thanks but… I am calm and happy. Don’t worry. We hung. The next five minutes something is moving  restless within me… a little voice that says why you want that I change? Would you love me more? Do you not understand that I’m all right? for one instant I take it personal. Then …

Ha! Gotcha! I laugh with myself.

I have the certainty of Being Here, not as geographical position, but just Here. And that makes me see so clearly the small Tulia thinking that her grandmother does not understand.

I once believed they did not understand me. That I had changed so much and traveled, that I was going through things they do not understand. That one day they will stop asking  if I will settle down,  find a good job,  put a little business like my grandmother says, to have my house and my car .

I realized that  once I wanted to paint everything smother in order to not worry them  but actually I was protecting me and how my little “I” will feel with their reaction.

My mom says nothing. I know she understands different. She says: I love you, take care. Although sometimes her expression and her eyes are of concern…  then she forget it in the conversation.

My family is just like that. Is a Mexican family, united and with Catholic roots. And now I say:  I don’t  need they “understand.” Before I would have wanted more openness, not to do such a drama of life;  that my dad drink less, my sister stressed out less, and my mom could take more time for herself… that they would ” understand ” that form me security is not important. I once wanted to even discuss at family gatherings … like If I need to defend my “ideas”…

It is Okay, ask me, make me doubt, make me think for a moment that I should do something different. It’s okay if you worries and  makes me shake a little. It is an opportunity to reassure myself.  To reaffirm that there is no more noise.

Because I can just see you with love I don’t  need your support, your understanding neither to know everything about my life.

So as you are at this very moment you’re all that you are.

Skyping with mom and my nephew Emiliano… so cuteee

What Desafío Sweet is?

Is a Creativity Dynamic that started in Caminomundos.  The challenge is to write one Blog post for 16 continuous days with an objective beyond the literature itself.

HERE:

16 Posts/ personal essays for… just for do it.
16 Actions to promote or kick-start a project of research consulting.
2 Languages
One “let’s see what happen”

May 10 / Diary

Third day in the house of Paihia . Once I got here I dwelt it with my scent, clothes thrown around the room on a heat pulse, unwashed breakfast dishes, and especially with lots of music. Music in the morning with toast; at noon with guitar and a voice that starts to vibrate; and later with anything I find on Abdel’s wall or some other whose tastes I crave too. I watched at least one hour a French pianist , I fall in love with her.

I’m still reading the book of Cristina Peri Rosi that I never finished… I have this habit , did I ever tell you? I read books in pieces. I read simultaneously in disarray… there is never just one, as there has never been a single person who I’m in love at one time … always “overlapping”… three at least or none. A strange mania that I love.

Today it was raining , I thought I would spend the day wrapped in my blanket and suddenly the impulse that is not tied to any thought... I get up dress up go out . There’s a huge cloud behind the hill. The sea. Boats. Beach in the distance.
In the village starts to rain, I shelter but after that impulse again … I leave my refuge where other people also were waiting. I walked down in the middle of the street, falling water, I take out the sweatshirt, the sandals too.

I walk barefoot. I’m soaked but not cold, a subtropical climate and warm rain that falls from my curly hair, from my face. I’m other one with every drop that sweeps a memory. And I’m the Same.

 

I’m beating from the center.

 

Is this  how it feels to Be without a name ?

Today is pure vibration. A constant sense of presence.

Vibration

With Music! Sure, it’s like being part of the same notes, that every tone, every tune.

Vibration

Cat makes prr prrr ​​by my side.

My own vibration. It had always been, always.  Now I ‘m just aware of it,  just a stoplisentfeelbe.

Before, time ago it was here also… It expressed in different things … In dancing, laughing, seeing a sunset , feeling a connection with someone, in the open sea … it was expressed . Today there is nothing. No Guanajuato and music and friends. No San Francisco and freedom and love. No Europe and its one way trip. No romances. No grandmother’s food. No sea that makes me throb. Nothing but is still here.

Today there is a consciousness even of the same vibration. Something even softer.

Day 3, three gifts: 1)Picture rainy Paihia 2)Music of the cute pianist. 3) A poem

The Baptism

Cristina Peri Rosi Translated by Diana Decker

I baptize you Babel among all women
Babel among all cities
Babel of diversity
ambiguous like the sexes
nostalgic for the lost paradise
-maternal uterus –
center of the world
umbilical cord.

“Poet – screams Babel-
I am the blind woman of all tongues
Cassandra in the dark night of the signifiers”.

What Desafío Sweet is?

Is a Creativity Dynamic that started in Caminomundos.  The challenge is to write one Blog post for 16 continuous days with an objective beyond the literature itself.

HERE:

16 Posts/ personal essays for… just for do it.
16 Actions to promote or kick-start a project of research consulting.
2 Languages

One “let’s see what happen”