*From Mexico to New Zealand aboard a sailboat. Now from ashore I transcribe the diaries of one year living on the sea.
La Cruz de Huanacaxtle, Nayarit. Mexico.
Between ships and land shores, ports and docks, between going or staying… wandering. Among all the chaos of coincidences and new people, I met a man named Tom, who starts with T as Tulia, as Tita, Tus, and Tila back home in my parents’ house. Among he saying: I will cross the Pacific and I am seeking for crew. Paul’s idea about advertise myself on the radio gave result and I was talking with the captain of the small yellow sailboat (But that does not matter too much right now… I just met him once and who knows if I will see him ever again). Among all this happenings… I got a little message from S yesterday: “heart … I think of you … I want to see you” a couple of lines to me sounded as poetry. It was one of those light evenings at Aly’s home with the guys in search of sailboats. Next day I woke up with a burning heart, inspirational, in love. I know we have different rhythms and cycles, and only I’m curious if one day we will coincide and live something more…
The first time I saw Tom was in the Marina, in Paul’s boat. He answered my call on the radio, another man came also but did not give me any good impression, so I refused. Then Tom came, we talked about his boat and I did not understand a lot of terms (for that I asked Paul to help me with the interview.) I assume that there are no suicidal people around here and if someone wants to cross an ocean he’ll have complete confidence in himself and in his boat. The only thing I really care about is the person and if I feel comfortable with (as I saw that live on someone’s boat is about sharing and living together before everything else).
The first thing I said above all was: I do not seek any relationship, or any chance of this, or the idea of something, anything. Well, I will not go in the middle of the ocean having in mind if I misinterpret something or if I feel strange. (And I said this, as if really would embark on this trip) Surprised and laughing Tom said he was more than agree since he was not looking for anything neither (Just I have to be clear). He gave me good impression, good vibes, neutral and somehow peaceful. Paul found him nice as well. We agree in going to sail a race for the day and we’ll see. I telephoned my mother to gently starting putting out the idea of her daughter going away to a remote island.
I went sailing with Tom and Linda. This is happening … is happening as things that have happened to me so far; passing without me notice them. And when they are already happening I turn to see: I’m already here, I’m going … I’m already doing it. So I am impressed, and even a little scary, because then, gently, smoothly, without efforts, almost inadvertently, things are fitting on their place to go to the Pacific, in two weeks, three weeks, French Polynesia. OMG.
In the end I’m realizing that there is no place to go. Now I am and have always been in the place or situation to be full, be happy. Paradise is always where I am now, no matter where is this … I seek nothing, I have fun, I like to put myself in situations that move me in, put myself on the edge and is where I can discover-me(whatever that means). I know that maybe I do not need to do all this but it is a way of… seeing the world … see the world inside me.
S wrote me. I was very happy, yesterday and this morning I could just be still thinking about her and what she wrote. I was surprised … Which reminds me that lately my name gives me a different feeling than before, Tulia, sound sometimes foreign, sometimes gives me a loving feeling, or it feels like a past life, or like someone else name, someone who I know well.
This is happening. Really. Tom, Linda and I went to Octopus Garden where Aly works and what a surprise! Aly came sailing from San Francisco but I just found that she almost came down with Tom as a crew, so they knew each other already. Coincidences and good signs. Then at the end of dinner, we ordered a wine and offer a toast.
–So, we are going? / Tom said.
–Yes, we are going. I answered.
I do not know what causes me more excitement: the fact that I’m already making plans to move to the boat or to know that S loves me.
I have written her:
…In the end … who cares? If now I feel intensely. I love you in a very free way, without need, without agendas, without wishing that things were different, not “havings”. For me it does not matter, after all relationships are always changing. Like friendship, brotherhood, passion, absence, or romance… that’s not so important.
There is no place to arrive, or no name to lose…